Some scientists propose that instances of physical abnormalities are actually evolution at work. With the autumn crush of festivals and markets kicking off this month, RealScreen got to wondering: what would an alpha event goer look like? We turned to the animal kingdom for the best of the beasts.

Rabbit ears: Information is valuable. Despite the din of the market floor, producers could pick up the indiscreet ramblings of their colleagues.

Eagle eyes: So broadcasters could see that obnoxious producer from a mile away.

Giraffe’s neck: The party may be crowded, but with a neck three meters long, filmmakers could easily spot that elusive distributor with the deep pockets.

Hippo-tosis: Breakfast, lunch and dinner meetings. After hippos, only whales have bigger mouths – which is what you’ll turn into if you carry on like this.

Horse legs: A horse’s legs are built so it can sleep standing up. ‘Nuff said.

Float like a butterfly: At 3 A.M., when the taxi drivers have all gone off duty, wings could get you where you need to go.

Arms like a gorilla: Money’s tight – even the commissioning editors aren’t mailing home all those tapes and catalogs.

Elephant feet: Blisters be gone! The spongy cushions on the bottom of elephant feet would let producers trip the MIPs fantastic, comfortably.

Alligator skin: Because rejection is inevitable.